Ms. Sheila Feder
Fort Lee, New Jersey,
Dear Ms. Feder,
As a stipulation of my work release program sponsored by the Asylum for the Criminally Backward and Sociopathic (C.B.S.) and their associated Rehabilitative Theatrical Playhouse and Institute of Dramatic Tricks, I am writing this letter in hopes of clearing up our unfortunate misunderstanding as regards my response to your fan letter of July 1, 2015.
When you wrote thanking me for coming into your home all these years; it was very wrong of me to take that as an open invitation to visit your actual home. I now understand how alarming it must have been for you to find me standing over your bed humming “Nadia’s Theme” at 3 o’clock in the morning. C.B.S.’s highly skilled staff of unpaid interns has helped me see that my unannounced visit was a clear invasion of your personal space and that “unsolicited spooning” is not a victimless crime. I now comprehend that the term, “legal briefs”, can mean many things to many people; and that when a person hears the phrase “Bad touch!” it is not generally interpreted as a request.
It has been a long road, but, take heart Ms. Feder. I am making progress. Here at the Institute I am learning so many wonderful, new things. For instance, because of Einstein and the multiverse approach to string theory, you really can age ten years by exiting through a door in the coffeehouse; and did you know that “doppelganger” is German for “My dachshund has vomited.”? It’s like a veil has been lifted from my eyes!
Oh Ms. Feder, Sheila, if I may, is it possible that, in spite of the thousands of miles and multiple restraining orders that separate us, our bittersweet rendezvous along the Hudson may actually bring us closer together? It is my fondest wish. Dearest Sheila, please know that everything I am I owe to pharmaceuticals and to you, my adoring fan.
Well, it’s time to go. Doppelganger! Just kidding! (They wouldn’t let me bring Shultzy.)
Give my regards to Paramus,
Christian Le Blanc